A couple of days ago, my mom handed me a small maroon-coloured packet that looked like candy…

Me: What’s this?
Mom: It’s a fortune cookie!
Me: Eh?
Mom: Open it.
Me: Ooooookayyyy… [Unwraps, breaks open the cookie...]
Mom: So? So? What does it say?

I read it aloud, and my mom walked away in tears… laughing…

Sigh…

On Facebook, I got tagged by Jo-Ann Lee. So I guess I have to do this, lest some mysterious internet curse befalls me and I lose a finger, a toe, a few strands of black hair (I don’t mind losing the whites), get struck by lightning, and never find true love…

1. This is my first time ever being tagged.
2. I am a Toastmaster and I’m 1 speech away from earning my Advance Communicator Bronze (ACB)… and I haven’t completed that one speech in… oh… more than a year.
3. I’m shy around strangers… though nobody believes me. Sigh…
4. I am most creative when I’m in the right mood – last minute panic.
5. I’m a mountain person, not a beach person. I love cool places. (The only reason to go to the beach is to catch a glimpse of the rare hot-babe in a bikini… sadly hot-babes don’t wear bikinis at the mountains…)
6. People say I’m musically talented. I play the drums, piano, guitar, and bass fairly well.
7. I consider myself a Jack-Of-All-Trades, master of SOME.
8. I have a mutant-super-power – I can control my goose-bumps. (Yeah, I know… woohoo, right? I’d prefer flying, super-strength or time-travel anytime)
9. I have problems saying NO to people. I don’t know how to do it nicely. Some people have a knack for it. When they say no, you feel like they are your best friend. When I say no, I make people feel like I’m their worst enemy.
10. I don’t like doing things for free. I demand compensation. A Chocolate Sundae at McDs is fine. A Steak Dinner at a classy restaurant is better. Best is cash.
11. I’m a computer geniu… ok… expert.
12. I secretly believe I’m a Jenius.
13. My friends hate playing Scrabble with me. (I win too often)
14. I’m super-competitive. Anyone who’s my competitor, I consider my arch-nemesis. After the competition, we can be friends once more.
15. Phew… This is hard… It’s taking longer than I thought. Must be the chicken I just ate.
16. I like to write the date and time on everything I create. (ie. Notes on sheets of papers, Burned CDs & DVDs, etc.). I like knowing WHEN in time I created something if I bump into it again in the future. (So… this would be 06 February 2009, 14:49)
17. I love good quality imported chocolate. Malaysian chocolate sucks. Unpatriotic, I know… but at least I speaketh the truth.
18. I conquered Mount Kinabalu. (But kinda lost my certificate… so I have no proof)
19. My family is more nomadic than most. I lived in 7 different homes in my lifetime.
20. I have a B. Sc. in Food Technology and Bioprocessing from Universiti Malaysia Sabah.
21. Over the phone, girls think my voice is sexy… Rawrrr… (Some guys have said that too, but let’s not ponder on that…)
22. I look good in a suit.
23. I’m hyper-curious. I like learning and reading up on a lot of things (hence my Jack-of-all-trade-”ness”)
24. I don’t understand women. (And when I ask women about women, I get the impression they don’t understand women either… what a predicament)
25. According to the Enneagram personality test, I’m Type Five (The Investigator) – perceptive, innovative, secretive, and isolated.

A word of thanks to some of my readers for their encouraging comments. It’s great to know that you’re enjoying my posts.

My apologies as well for not updating my blog as often as I’d like to. It’s just that inspiration hasn’t hit me for quite some time, and I don’t wanna bore y’all with junk. Hope y’all will continue visiting and reading my blog nevertheless.

Sometimes I have this feeling that the whole Universe is out to get me; a cosmic conspiracy if you will. Maybe the Universe is bored and decided to pick on me, since I’m such a good sport.

It seems like someone, somewhere out there, is telling people to wait for the opportune moment to suck the joy out of the simple delights in life — like a toilet break.

Haven’t you had those moments where you were waaaaaiting for a particular phone call, which someone promised to make at a particular time, but they never do?

Strangely, during that span of time, your kidneys decide to work more efficiently, your bladder fills up, and suddenly… you get the urge to go.

But you don’t go, see? Coz you’ve been waiting for that phone call. But that bloomin’ call never arrives! You ask yourself, “didn’t I just go a few minutes back?”, but all that doesn’t matter, coz the game is on, the joke’s on you, and the Universe is snickering.

Nevertheless, as expected, the urge becomes unbearable. Rather than torturing yourself unnecessarily, you finally decide to purge your body of the evil that’s causing you all that agony. So, reluctantly, you go.

Now, do they call BEFORE you enter the toilet? Heavens no. What’s the fun in that?

Caller: Hmm… maybe I should call now?
Universe: NO! Nooo… Not yet. Wait for it… wait for it…

Will the Universe have mercy and tell them to call during the unzipping, so I could quickly zip-right-up and answer the call? Naaaaw…

Universe: Any second now…
Caller: Okay. Just say when.

It has to be… ya know… during THAT time. THE time. During the sweet release of agony… only to be replaced by another cause of anguish!

Universe: When! WHEN!
Caller: Whaa?
Universe: Now! Call NOW, dang it!
Caller: Oh… OH! OKAY! Wheeeee!

The phone rings with a demonic annoyance. So you force yourself to hurry up, rushing the process, shortchanging yourself of one of the simple pleasures in life. Sometimes you forget to flush.

Then you make a mad dash for the phone, increasing the probability of you banging your toe or knee on some sharp-edged furniture. Along the way, you mutter rapidly and repeatedly…

Me: Please don’t hang up. Please don’t hang up. Please don’t hang up.

And when you pick up the phone, you try to stifle your panting, and calmly greet the caller with a cordial…

Me: Hello?
Caller: Hello! Is this Mr. Ng?
Me: Yes. Speaking.
Caller: My name is (usually some name that you can never catch the first time round because they say it so quickly), and I’m calling from Hong Leong Bank. We’d like to congratulate you because you’re qualified to receive cash on demand! The annual interest rate is only six perc…
Me: :l [click]
One of Hong Leong Bank’s Evil Minions:… ent, and… Hello? Hello?

Man… There should be some law against this. There must!

Now I’m learning to immunize myself to this annoyance. When the phone rings when I’m having my fun, I’m just gonna let it ring, baby, ring.

So when you call, and I don’t pick up the phone within 4 rings, there’s a good chance I’m doing my business. You can choose to let me call you back, or you can be one with the Universe.

I hope you chose the former.

Have you ever encountered one of those moments when you thought something was really, really funny, and when you shared the joke, nobody laughed… but yourself?

Malaysians call this embarrassing phenomenon “syok sendiri”.

Last Saturday, at the Area B4 Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest, I administered a painful and concentrated 5.5 minute dose of it on myself. And being the previous year’s Division Champion (one level higher than the Area Level), this is NOT a good thing. In fact, it’s downright humiliating.

For non-Toastmasters, this is how a Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest works.

You start at the Club level. When you win, you move on to Area. Win that, you go to Division. Clinch that, you go to District.

In a nutshell…

Club  >  Area  >  Division  >  District

Actually I already had a speech prepared for the Area contest. In fact, I used it to win at the Club level. But I didn’t think it was good enough for the Area level, so trying to be smart, I changed it at the very last minute.

With less than 12 hours before the contest, I wrote about the virtues of doing last-minute work, thinking others would find it as funny as I did.

While writing my speech, I laughed so hard at my own jokes, my belly ached. There was even a moment while I was drinking water, I thought of a joke which I felt was so funny, I almost baptized my computer screen with my unholy spurt.

I tweaked, and tweaked, and tweaked my speech leaving less that 1 hour for me to rehearse. It’s a guaranteed recipe for disaster, and strike it did. Relentlessly.

During the competition, I opened with my first line of funny…

Ahhh… It’s competition time again. It’s a special time. I feel the adrenalin rush. I feel the stress. I feel the tension. Sometimes I get sleepless nights. Why? Because of the special way I write my speeches… last minute.

… and nobody laughed.

Okay… Maybe they need some warming up. They’ll laugh at my next joke:

I have been chastised, “Why do you always do things at the last minute?” I used to give reasons like, “I’m busy”, “no time”, etc. etc. etc. But now, I realize it’s really because… I am efficient!

… Nothing but blinks and stares. I heard someone donated a pity-laugh.

What’s going on?! [Sweats]

Ok ok… Maybe my next joke would be more successful…

It’s simple logic. When you have lots of time to finish your work, you can’t say you’re efficient. When someone prefers to have lots of time to finish their work, you know what it’s called?… It’s called lazy!

NOTHING! That was when I panicked and the worst thing that can happen to a speaker happened to me. My mind went blank, and I forgot my speech.

Crap…

Reached into my pocket for my lifeline – a folded piece of paper – my speech. I unfolded it, took a quick glace, regained composure, and tried to continue as if nothing happened.

Nobody was fooled though. Everything went downhill from there.

Now when you’re efficient, you’ll find you have lots of time to do other things. And it becomes a problem when you don’t know what to do with all that time. That’s why Microsoft invented a solution for such a problem. It’s called Solitaire.

It’s a game installed on almost every computer. Even at work. Now we know why! To improve efficiency.

Every joke was welcomed by more blinks and stares.

Drat, drat and double drat! I’m doomed…

I wished the ground would be my saviour and just swallow me up. Or the ceiling would collapse on me. Or the room would catch fire. Just something to take their attention away from me.

So there you have it. Even a “champion speaker” can have embarrassing moments borne of utter stupidity and hubris. Thinking I was smart enough, I exposed my dumbness, and wrecked my chance at a free trip to BALI.

Sigh… Lesson learned, albeit painfully.

Called Streamyx customer service line today because of an internet connection problem. I realized that after listening to a recording over and over and over again, sooner or later, I lose my mind and start talking to the recording desperately hoping that someone at the other end will take pity on my misery and actually pick up the phone…

Recording: Your call is important to us.

Me: Really? Then why are you making me wait? Answer my call!

Recording: All our agents are currently engaged.

Me: Wow, so they are all getting married? Congratulations!

Recording: Your call will be attended to shortly.

Me: Hmm… It’s already 14 minutes and it’s not getting any shorter.

Recording: Please hold while we try to connect you.

Me: Yes! Finally! Woohoo! Thank you!

Do I get connected? No. Instead, I get this:

Having trouble getting connected? Ensure your telephone, [not sure of the word here] and modem are working properly. Or log-on to www.streamyx.com.my for more tips on how to troubleshoot the problem on your own.

Erm… Hello? My problem is I can’t get connected, so how do I log-on to anywhere? I think they should rephrase it…

Having trouble getting connected? Ensure your telephone, [not sure of the word here] and modem are working properly. Or go to your neighbor’s house, or your friend’s house, or an internet cafe, or your office, and log-on to www.streamyx.com.my for more tips on how to troubleshoot the problem on your own.

Sigh… And you wonder why irate customers exist? Heh… Farneee…