Last month, I was chatting with my friend, a Malaysian, who works and lives in Singapore. This was what transpired…

Jo-Ann:
are you free to have dinner on Aug 8 (Friday)?
i am having a party at my house on Aug 8
need a headcount

Me:
err… what’s the occasion?
your birthday in Nov what

Jo-Ann:
hmm
my wedding then

Me:
… really?

Jo-Ann:
yes
so is that easier to confirm?

Me:
hmm… sneaky.
Ok la… confirm la

Jo-Ann:
hahhahah

Me:
for your dubious wedding

Jo-Ann:
dubious?

Me:
since you worked so hard to convince me

Jo-Ann:
real one wor

Me:
serious?!?!?!?! WAHHH! congrats!
sorry… thought you were joking

And so, came the dilemma… What do I wear?!

Ok ok… Just kidding. My dilemma was, what gift to bring?!

Normally if it were an 8-course wedding dinner, the custom is to give Ang Pau (red packets with money inside. Usually RM100 or more.)

Simple. No need to think.

But here, Lik Yea (the groom) said no Ang Paus.

I asked around. “What would one give for special situations like these?”

Here were some suggestions:

• Fruit basket
• Ang Pau (I forgot to mention no ang paus)
• Picture Frame (yuk. I hate picture frames. They make the worst gifts ever!)
• Card with money inside

No, no, no, no… Too boring.

So I did the next best thing… I procrastinated.

Time went by and suddenly it’s 8th August 2008, THE DAY, and I still haven’t thought of a gift. Last resort? Ang Pau lor…

Then Wee Hong, who found himself in a similar dilemma, called me up. I can’t remember the exact conversation word-for-word, but I think it went something like this…

Wee Hong: Are you going tonight?
Me: Yup
WH: What you bringing?
Me: Ang Pau
WH: But Lik Yea said no Ang Paus
Me: Oh… So what are you bringing?
WH: Dunno
Me: Do you know what are the others bringing?
WH: The girls are buying gift vouchers
Me: Oh…
WH: And he said no gifts too
Me: Oh… But not nice to go empty handed what…
WH: Yeah… So how?

Suddenly (did I mention how I love suddenlies?) I had one of those Ah-Ha moments! Something original, funny, yet useful.

I decided to give them… CONDOMS!

Not a lifetime supply unfortunately. But at least it’ll give them many pleasurable moments together.

I’ve never bought condoms before ok. However, I can speak from experience that the first time was the most painful. It felt really weird. I had to stretch myself beyond my comfort level.

Off I went to the nearest Guardian Pharmacy. Luckily it was empty. Unluckily, there weren’t any guy cashiers around. I didn’t think it was appropriate to ask a lady where they stored such… merchandise… so I searched for them myself.

But I could not find any! Sigh… rookie problem… (or so I thought)

In the end, I was forced to ask the lady cashier…

Sweet Cashier Girl: Yes. Can I help you?

Me (while trying to maintain an air of nonchalance):
Ahem… I’m looking for some condoms

Sweet Cashier Girl (SCG) led me to the aisle with lots of “lady stuff”. Then she points to them little packets of condoms – 3 in each.

Now, you’d imagine that things so vital, so essential, so important would be easily accessible, right? I mean, they’re one of the keys to a marriage filled with wonderfulness, and bliss, and togetherness!

But NOOOOoooooo! They hide those darn things! And in the weirdest places of all — between Maxi-Pads! I mean… Why in the world would anyone put GUY STUFF between GIRL THINGS?!

Anyway, those packets were too tiny. This was a wedding gift. It had to be bigger.

Picked up one of those packets, waved it at the SCG and said…

Me: Erm… Sorry. These are… umm… too few. It’s for a (pause) special occasion. Do they come in… more?

Without a moment’s hesitation, she pointed…

SCG: There

Quick, obliging, and unquestioning. Clearly I was talking to a pro… It’s always nice working with people who know what they are doing.

And boy oh boy, they come in confusing varieties. Flavored. Unflavored. Extra-Safe. Ribbed. Lubricated…

Decisions, decisions, decisions!

You wonder why divorce rates go up? I’ll tell you why… They make it TOO DARN HARD for people to have A LITTLE FUN, THAT’S WHY!

Still, I had to choose. Plus it had to have a message. So what does one need for a long and fulfilling marriage?

Start with a little lovin’…

Followed by a little tinglin’…

And finally pleasure…

Then came the question: How do you wrap these babies?

Using a very scientific method of trial and error, I found that there were 3 ways of packaging these.

Medium, Broad

Short and thick

But in the end…

Size does matter.

Hello! Welcome to HeyEugene.com… Thanks for visiting.

Why am I starting this blog? It’s because I just felt like it. It’s a spur-of-the-moment thing. I wish I had a better, philosophically deeper reason, but nope… I just felt like it. So there!

Since this is just the first of many posts to come, I won’t bombard you with details of my personal life. Instead, let me invite you to watch a video clip of my winning speech at the Division B Toastmasters Humorous Speech Contest 2007/2008. You’ll get a glimpse of my personality, and my flavour of humor.

Like what you saw? If yes, please leave your comment. If no… err… please leave your comment. There will be more to come and I’ll do my best to keep things interesting…